totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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