why didn't you poke me back
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
