I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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