She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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