just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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