I met the friendliest cop last night
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
BRING THE BAGELS
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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