Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
