so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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