i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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