dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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