Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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