why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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