the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
