anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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