He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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