i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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