My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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