Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
