dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
