He uses pillows to masturbate.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
