if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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