College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I believe in your delicious
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
