if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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