I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
