My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
