I just cut my nipple shaving
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
COCAINE IS GR8
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize