you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
