I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
