you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
