i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
