You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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