Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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