Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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