I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
