I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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