So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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