wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize