im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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