glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
