I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize