My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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