What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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