Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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