Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
