she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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