Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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