I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
