i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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