My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
