Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Barsexuality is the new black.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
