Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
