this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
