The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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