You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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