just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
