I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
