the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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