Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
