Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
