i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
