her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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