Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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