i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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