hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
