so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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