i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
