Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
