dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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