Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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